


don't let me drown ( i can't do this on my own )

by kindnesswithpeopletreat



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Aquaphobia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21918577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kindnesswithpeopletreat/pseuds/kindnesswithpeopletreat
Summary: His lungs burned, as did the magic that flowed through his fingers.Alec wanted to spend a relaxing evening with his boyfriend in their new big bathtub but little did he know of Magnus issues with large bodies of water.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 3
Kudos: 66





	1. Chapter 1

The apartment smelled differently than usual.

The soft vanilla of many candles mixed with the familiar smell of his magic, a little burned and somehow crackling, sandalwood and Alec's shampoo.

Had he forgotten to clean up after the last demon summoning?

Confused, Magnus let his jacket, which hardly protect him from this time of the year, but was very stylish, hang up with a flick.

While the sequined garment was already hanging in its rightful place,  
the warlock moved toward the kitchen, hoping to find some leftovers of the Chinese food that he had ordered with Alec after midnight yesterday.

It had been a really nice evening and Magnus mentally cursed the institute while he mixed another lemon into his drink.  
Overtime at work.  
Once again, he was happy that he was his own boss and that he was able to schedule customer appointments as he liked.  
No matter how exhausting his job and various customers could be, he had always valued his independence.

The thought of being dependent on others had always been a problem for him.  
Suddenly Magnus winced.

A loud, dull bang tore him out of his thoughts.  
Right, the candles!  
Oh god, had he forgotten to send a demon back to Edom? Was he still in the apartment?

Magnus hurried down the hall, his hands tingling with magic, ready to possibly fight the intruder.  
A few swear words, mumbled but understandable, brought Magnus to a standstill in front of the bathroom.

He would recognize that voice among thousands.

"Alexander? Are you here?"

Nobody answered.

Magnus could have sworn he had heard his boyfriend's voice.  
He pushed the handle down and entered the room.  
Even though it was his bathroom, it looked changed.

A bathtub, which was more like a pool in size, had been decorated with the most varied, colorful flowers and a sweet smell that reminded of the first beautiful spring day rose from the light pink bath water.

Although the candles were messily distributed, they radiated an incredible calm and level-headedness which Magnus also felt immediately.

Only after a few seconds did he notice that Alec was sitting on the floor in front of him, looking at Magnus like a deer in the headlights.  
In his left hand he held another candle and with his right he caressed Chairman Meow, who was lying in front of a broken mirror.

"Magnus? I thought you had another appointment with a couple of vampires? You know, the ones who wanted to talk with Raphael because of - "

"What are you doing here Alexander?  
I thought you had to work? "  
With a smile, Magnus helped his boyfriend up, who patted his hands on his jeans and pointed to the floor:

"Chairman broke the mirror - Hey, where is he?- Anyways, I figured you had so much stress in the past few days and well, I wanted to spend a relaxing evening with you."

Alec's eyes flashed with excitement now and he took Magnus' hands to show him everything.  
"I thought, what's more relaxing than a hot bath? Especially in winter? But after getting the flowers I noticed that you didn't have a bath tub."

Since Magnus frowned,  
Alec added quickly:

"Not that it bothers me, I was just thinking about it, I really like to shower -"  
Magnus kissed him directly on the lips.  
"Oh Alexander, what a really nice surprise"  
He pulled the younger man into a tight hug and immediately felt Alec relax.

While Magnus was happy, he really was happy, it had been a long time since someone had spoiled him in such a way,he was getting nervous inside.  
Alec buried his face in the warlock's neck, and Magnus took the chance to get a quick look at his newly acquired bathtub.

Bathtub was understated.  
His bathroom had been enlarged and right next to his shower was now a large pool that looked like the pond you hope to find in an abandoned clearing: crisscrossed with flowers and sun rays, clear and in that case pink.  
Alec followed his gaze and cheerfully explained that he was getting help from a 'very nice and friendly' Seelie girl:

"..Yes, exactly! She said that I could borrow it until tomorrow and that she would pick it up again at 12 o'clock on time..She was delighted with my idea."

Alec blushed.

"She said you would definitely be pleased."

"I am. Thanks Alexander"  
Magnus hoped his smile was as convincing as ever, although this time it wasn't a hundred percent honest.  
He felt stupid.

His boyfriend had planned this great surprise just for him, and Magnus' hands trembled.  
He rubbed them on his pants legs, hoping that distraction would calm him down.  
It was his bathroom.  
He was at home, in Alec's and his home, not in Edom and not on a battlefield and certainly not in Indonesia.

So why was he so nervous?  
Magnus knew exactly why.

He knew exactly why he didn't want to go swimming with Clary and the others in the summer, although Izzy had asked him so many times and he had seen Alec's hurt expression:

\- "I just thought we would all do something together?" -

He knew exactly why he hadn't own one bathtub in his whole,long life.  
He tried, he really tried.  
New Year 1889 he had made the last attempt.  
Catarina and Ragnor climbed into the bubbling pool after playing cards and Magnus stood awkwardly next to it.

Ragnor gave his friend an apologetic look and started climbing out of the pool ("Im sorry - I forgot about..-" ) which Catarina also did immediately.

But Magnus snorted: "I'm not trying to ruin your New Year's Eve - slide over, I -"  
He was aware that his voice was beginning to tremble, but he didn't dare to back off.  
Catarina looked at him calmly: "You don't have to, Magnus."

But, encouraged by the alcohol, he let himself fall next to them,not to prove something to the two, but for his own pride.  
He wanted to show himself that his fear of large amounts of water was unfounded.  
He almost laughed at the word large, because this pool was less than two meters long.

In the end, however, size did not matter: Magnus' father had tried to drown him in a lake, which he could overcome easily with a hop as a small child.

But it had a depth, an infinite depth and darkness that Magnus had to get to know better than he ever wanted to.

Hot tears ran down his cheeks and he hated himself for his trembling body,his to fast breathing and the fact that Ragnor and Catarina were leading him so lovingly out of the pool,even though he kicked wildly around himself.  
"I- I'm just fine! See, there's no-nothing wrong with me- "

"Magnus? Is something wrong?"  
Alec's quite voice brought Magnus out of his daydream and he quickly shook his head.

Maybe today he would be able to overcome his fear?

He had to, what would Alexander, his Alexander, think of him? That he was afraid of a bathtub? That couldn't happen. Nobody wants to be with someone who's stuck in the past, Magnus had more than enough time to overc-

"Oh,no. Not at all my dear. Come on, let's enjoy this surprise of yours."

Magnus was aware of the small, it was definitely less noticeable than it was on New Year's Eve, tremor at the end of his sentence, but he still hoped Alec hadn't heard it.

But luck was not on Magnus' side.  
While a few hand movements from the high Warlock of Brooklyn made their clothes disappear into nothing, thousands of thoughts ran through Alec's head.

Had he done something wrong?  
Magnus seemed so tense .. Had he just had a bad day or didn't he find his surprise nice or good enough? Sudden self-doubt attacked the Shadowhunter for a few seconds, until he remembered how much Magnus had liked his other  
surprises before.

So that couldn't be it.

Magnus gave Alec a big smile again, which somehow looked very wrong.  
Something seemed to be bothering his boyfriend, and it bothered Alec that he had no idea what was going on.

Meanwhile no longer clothed, he walked towards the sea of flowers.  
Alec sat down comfortably and Magnus climbed carefully and slowly into the pink water.  
Alec waited for Magnus to sit in front of him, but the other man sat down behind him.

Alec didn't think much of it and let himself be absorbed by the bewitching smell. He felt all the tension and stress from work disappear.

Magnus could only dream of that.  
He had deliberately sat behind Alexander so that he couldn't see his closed eyes.  
Magnus was ashamed of not appreciating Alec's efforts as the blue-eyed deserved.

The warm water now played around Magnus's thigh, as he was sitting in the flower bath up to his navel. His hands were clenched tight and he felt his nails cutting into his skin which caused a sharp pain, but otherwise he was surprisingly relatively well.  
He opened his eyes slightly.

Magnus saw Alec's back in front of him.  
Small drops of water ran down his strong shoulders and Magnus felt safe.

Safe with Alec.

He only focused on his wonderful Alexander and now he almost managed to relax.  
But all beautiful moments come to an end, right?

Alec suddenly leaned forward and Magnus discovered a small silver lever directly in the grass, which grew around the clear lake. He looked back at Magnus, who gave him another forced smile, which Alec left uncommented in his excitement.

"You can change the depth of the lake with it! It's amazing, I've tried it this morning..Right now the water is some centimeters deep but you can adjust several meters!  
..I even saw a few shells on the seabed .. Maybe we can get some! What do you think?- Ah,wait,  
I'll show you!"

And Magnus watched helplessly as Alec touched the switch.

The ground suddenly gave in and he was horrified to find that his feet were clumsily and anxiously kicking in the water and that the sudden landslide dragged him under water.

His arms no longer felt like a part of his body.  
He moved them quickly and hectically, almost in tune with his breath, which was pinched in his throat and only left his mouth intermittently.

He felt completely out of control.  
The images in front of his eye seemed to be distorted and he couldn't breathe.  
No, no air.  
So deep, infinitely deep.

Papa didn't want to show him the beautiful flower in their garden, which he had planted with his mom last May.

Papa took him by the wrist and led him quickly to the lake in which Magnus had played with the other children so often.

"Papa? W-what is happening? Did I do something wr-"

Magnus couldn't understand.  
After all, he was just a child.

What does Papa want in the water?  
Did I forgot the wooden ship, which my aunt carved for me aga-

Magnus face was pressed into the water.  
Once, twice, three times.

He gasped and tried to get himself up but his Papa got him up and this time he pushed him down with his whole weight into the deep water.

His legs struggled desperately in the  
freezing water.

His lungs burned, as did the magic that flowed through his fingers.

I'm going to die, He won't let me go, I can't breathe, I-

"He'll drown me, please, He'll drown me, I don't want to drown .."

Magnus sobbed the words against a warm body.  
He felt resistance against his legs, he was sitting next to the tub rim and now Alec was holding him tightly in his arms.

"Breathe for me, Magnus.  
1 - 2, in and out..nice and slow.I got you, everything is okay.  
I love you, nobody is going to hurt you."

"He wanted to kill me..I didn't want to die, I swear Alexander, I never wanted to kill him..please, please you have to believe me..I'-I'm not a mon-..P-Please don't leave me"

Magnus's trembling hand laid on Alec's chest, which he pulled and pressed in dismay.  
Magnus wasn't just crying, Magnus looked like he had never cried before. As if he had never allowed himself to show weakness.

Alec had turned around earlier and had seen Magnus completely distraught on the other side of the lake.  
His eyes were fixed and he mumbled like a mantra:  
"I'll drown, He'll drown me, I didn't want to kill him .."

Alec had pulled him out of the water and now he drew soothing circles on the back of his scared boyfriend:  
"It's alright, my angel. I got you .."

Magnus abruptly opened his eyes: "D-Don't call me angel, I'm - I'm not- It's..I can't.." 

And with a desperate look Magnus ran out of the bathroom.


	2. save me from myself ( don't  let me drown )

Magnus had to calm down.  
He sat on their bed, the door closed but not locked and he opened and closed his hands with every breathe he took.  
He was amazed to see that he was wearing a loose T-shirt and warm sweatpants which Alec must have put on him.  
This realization made Magnus smile, although it shocked him how little he could remember.  
The last thing he could think of was despair.

Magnus heard a light knock on the door.  
He quickly wiped his face with his hands and dried his now wet fingers on the gray shirt that belonged to Alec.

Alec was relieved to find that Magnus hadn't locked himself in. Horror scenarios buried his thoughts and he broke away with a quick shake.   
"Honey, I'm coming in, alright?"

Being called Honey made Magnus's stomach tingle with happiness.  
He nodded and added a soft "Alright" when he realized Alec couldn't see him yet.  
He had to collect himself now.  
He couldn't look and appear in front of Alec like a mess.

The bedroom door opened and Alec hurried to his boyfriend with a worried expression on his face.  
"Magnus, I'm so sorry.  
Was it something I did? "

Magnus quickly cut off his words.  
"Never, Alexander.  
It's my fault.  
Only my fault."

The Shadowhunter leaned forward, kneeling on the floor in front of Magnus and looking him straight in the eye.

"You had put so much effort into it and it looked so beautiful.  
You looked so beautiful.  
Alexander,you make me so incredibly happy and I ... I wanted to make you happy too."

Magnus' voice became quieter towards the end.

Alec frowned.  
How could his boyfriend not know how happy he made him?  
He filled him with such happiness every day, that it actually hurt.  
"Mag-"

Magnus didn't let him finish:  
"Please ... I don't know if I can start again.  
Remember when i told you how my mother reacted to my warlock mark and what my father did after that..?" 

Alec nodded.  
He could remember that night exactly.  
Magnus had never been so distraught, he seemed to have been so restless all day, and when Alec asked him if everything was okay,he revealed that it was the day of his mother's death.

Even after all these years he loved her and although he would not admit it, he sometimes imagined what it would be like if his mother had accepted him.  
Or on bad days he imagined how it would have been if he hadn't been a monster or if he simply hadn't even existed.

"It is so stupid, Alexander.  
I'm being so stupid - it's something unnecessary.  
I sometimes really wonder why you don’t just leave me. "

Alec inhaled sharply.

"Like Camille, like everyone else.  
It is only a matter of time before you realize that you deserve someone much better.  
Another Shadowhunter, not a Warlock,not a Downworlder."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a little short i know.  
> but with christmas and all that stuff ugh.  
> i wish y'all a happy new year <3

**Author's Note:**

> hey! :3  
> since this is my first fanfiction ever and english isn't my first language ( i'm 15 and from germany lmao)  
> i would really appreciate feedback! <3  
> thank you so much!
> 
> (chapter 2 comes next monday)


End file.
